Cry me a river and pour me a song
This hurts been creeping for way to long
This thing that binds me and scars me soul deep
This thing that drives me and makes me weep.
Loneliness is where I find myself once again
It’s like this battle I just can’t win
It’s like a horrible death inside me
Killing off all sanity
Making me feel worthless and empty.
But I know this as a lie!
It is the loudest whisper in my mind
It is the very thing he uses to control me
I must break this inside my heart.
I must rip it all apart.
Expose me and my pain
Let it all rain.
Show the whole world who I am
I must begin.
God break me down
Render me nothing at all
Fill me with the spirit inside
Make it so I can’t fall.
Use me as they abuse me
Let the pain of it no longer destroy
Let it lift me and bring me joy.
For I am yours and yours only
Nothing they can do here can take that away
With you I am never lonely
And you are the light the truth and the way.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
I have really lacked on writing in my blog lately. I have been working heavily on my book series. My passion in life right now. So I thought i would at least blog about my book. I love to talk about it all the time because I am really excited about it.
I write as a therapy really more than anything. this is where it started for me. I found it impossible to break through my walls when I was younger that I had to write or explode. I usually wrote dark negative pieces. I found anytime that I I tried to write positive it just didn't exist.
Life consumed me and my writing went in waves. I felt like I had so much inside of me, yet it never came out right. I had several failed attempts at trying to write a book. I was sooo frustrated, especially as life carried on and I still never could force what I had in me out.
When I was 25 I began what I thought was going to be the best book ever. I worked on it all the time. It was a compilation of poems I had written along with journals to describe my place in life in those moments. I was shooting for a positive and Godly book, yet I could not seem to understand my life enough o deliver any kind of message.
I tucked that book away and I set my pen down. I didn't really write for years. Then I had my son. I found myself on a path of intense research. I learned everything there was to learn about nutrition and CF. Then I was forced to put my research into action. It was scary, but it worked. I was astonished that me, a girl who dropped out of collage and never found value in herself was able to learn so much.
I figured why not write about it. I poured myself into my nutrition book and I really believed in it, but No medical backing in a health type book is publishing murder!!! I could have fought for it, I could have beat down doctors doors till someone believed in me, but I felt in my heart I had done what I was to do; write again.
Writing in a different format than I had ever written in taught me discipline and structure, one thing I have never applied into my writing. It taught me that I was also a research nerd. My husband saw a different side of me and he encouraged me to go back to collage. I fought it for years but now have made the choice say, "why not try".
A little less than a year ago I had decided yes, I will go to school, but there was something else burning deep inside me. I wanted to write again, like really write this time. SO I began my life story. I felt so overwhelmed and with 23 pages written I found myself calling my mom. I had her take a look at what I had wrote so far; she hated it. (sorry mom) I saw it in her tears and her hurt. I saw that my life story wasn't so black and white.
I lived in this world of darkness and depression; nothing in my world matched to those I lived around. I had this skewed view of my own life as I saw it. I also could not deny that that was who I was. I thought deeply about this life story of mine and it was clear, I could not do it justice.
Months passed and then one day I sat at my computer and started to write. That is where Broken Within was born. I strangely wrote the book in one month. Obviously it was not the prettiest hing at first but it wasn't bad. I had others read and give me input and i edited over and over and over again. I found myself to a point where I wanted to do more with this book. So I contacted the wonderful Jennifer Thompson and asked her to edit my book.
I enjoyed having an editor sooo much. I will be the first to say I have horrible spelling and grammar. I am sure anyone who has read to this point has noticed these flaws too :) But I worked hard at correcting my mistakes and following Jennifer's advice. I started sharing it with friends again and tweaked it a few more times.
This is when I decided I am going to do it; I will find an agent. So yeah Its not this fairy tale where someone just sweeps you up and published your miraculous works. It is more work than writing and editing combined. But it is a learning experience. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.
Because I am a creative writer and feel I need my freedom I have a basic structure to my writing but Lots of wiggle room. It works better that way for me. I have been cruising along with the series and have even completed book 2: Lost Within. I have bounced back an forth between those two books and then played the self editing game many times on Lost Within.
Now I am going full speed ahead on the third book and as I continue to write the series only grows. What I once thought to be a 4 book series is now turning into much more in my head. I am sooo excited about this journey and I know that God will do with it as he sees fit. I feel it and I know what it is and what it will be in the end, and at some point God will find me an agent that believes in me and what this book series has to offer.
To everyone that has supported me thank you soo much, you believing in me helps to keep the positivity going. Your encouraging responses to my writing has also encouraged to continue to believe in this gift and calling. <3
I write as a therapy really more than anything. this is where it started for me. I found it impossible to break through my walls when I was younger that I had to write or explode. I usually wrote dark negative pieces. I found anytime that I I tried to write positive it just didn't exist.
Life consumed me and my writing went in waves. I felt like I had so much inside of me, yet it never came out right. I had several failed attempts at trying to write a book. I was sooo frustrated, especially as life carried on and I still never could force what I had in me out.
When I was 25 I began what I thought was going to be the best book ever. I worked on it all the time. It was a compilation of poems I had written along with journals to describe my place in life in those moments. I was shooting for a positive and Godly book, yet I could not seem to understand my life enough o deliver any kind of message.
I tucked that book away and I set my pen down. I didn't really write for years. Then I had my son. I found myself on a path of intense research. I learned everything there was to learn about nutrition and CF. Then I was forced to put my research into action. It was scary, but it worked. I was astonished that me, a girl who dropped out of collage and never found value in herself was able to learn so much.
I figured why not write about it. I poured myself into my nutrition book and I really believed in it, but No medical backing in a health type book is publishing murder!!! I could have fought for it, I could have beat down doctors doors till someone believed in me, but I felt in my heart I had done what I was to do; write again.
Writing in a different format than I had ever written in taught me discipline and structure, one thing I have never applied into my writing. It taught me that I was also a research nerd. My husband saw a different side of me and he encouraged me to go back to collage. I fought it for years but now have made the choice say, "why not try".
A little less than a year ago I had decided yes, I will go to school, but there was something else burning deep inside me. I wanted to write again, like really write this time. SO I began my life story. I felt so overwhelmed and with 23 pages written I found myself calling my mom. I had her take a look at what I had wrote so far; she hated it. (sorry mom) I saw it in her tears and her hurt. I saw that my life story wasn't so black and white.
I lived in this world of darkness and depression; nothing in my world matched to those I lived around. I had this skewed view of my own life as I saw it. I also could not deny that that was who I was. I thought deeply about this life story of mine and it was clear, I could not do it justice.
Months passed and then one day I sat at my computer and started to write. That is where Broken Within was born. I strangely wrote the book in one month. Obviously it was not the prettiest hing at first but it wasn't bad. I had others read and give me input and i edited over and over and over again. I found myself to a point where I wanted to do more with this book. So I contacted the wonderful Jennifer Thompson and asked her to edit my book.
I enjoyed having an editor sooo much. I will be the first to say I have horrible spelling and grammar. I am sure anyone who has read to this point has noticed these flaws too :) But I worked hard at correcting my mistakes and following Jennifer's advice. I started sharing it with friends again and tweaked it a few more times.
This is when I decided I am going to do it; I will find an agent. So yeah Its not this fairy tale where someone just sweeps you up and published your miraculous works. It is more work than writing and editing combined. But it is a learning experience. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.
Because I am a creative writer and feel I need my freedom I have a basic structure to my writing but Lots of wiggle room. It works better that way for me. I have been cruising along with the series and have even completed book 2: Lost Within. I have bounced back an forth between those two books and then played the self editing game many times on Lost Within.
Now I am going full speed ahead on the third book and as I continue to write the series only grows. What I once thought to be a 4 book series is now turning into much more in my head. I am sooo excited about this journey and I know that God will do with it as he sees fit. I feel it and I know what it is and what it will be in the end, and at some point God will find me an agent that believes in me and what this book series has to offer.
To everyone that has supported me thank you soo much, you believing in me helps to keep the positivity going. Your encouraging responses to my writing has also encouraged to continue to believe in this gift and calling. <3
Thursday, October 7, 2010
My son
I see him layin' there
With his big brown stare
Love in his heart to share all around
Even tho they have him layed down
He wakes each day to breathe again
even when there is no wind
His body fights against him
He tells it not today
For everyday of his living life
He ignores the pain and keeps up the fight
My son your sick we know
Your breaths are no where near our own
Yet I am thankful for each day
Because your heart has shown me
that life and love are within me
You have taught me how to live
To be thankful and to give
That my life is much bigger than me
and that my God loves me
My son your so young
So much more is to come
The world is unknowing of your disease
Just of your joy and love to please
You walk everywhere with a smile
But your mama knows all the while
How sick you are and how much you fight
How every treatment, every night
Takes time and fun away from you
But this is what you have to do
So you can wake another day
To look at the world and say.....
Here I am, You won't win
This sickness may destroy my body
But never the person I am to be
Mama I'm sick you know
My breaths are no where near your own
Yet I am thankful for each day
Because your heart has shown me
that life and love are within me
You have taught me how to live
To be thankful and to give
That my life is much bigger than me
and that my God loves me
With his big brown stare
Love in his heart to share all around
Even tho they have him layed down
He wakes each day to breathe again
even when there is no wind
His body fights against him
He tells it not today
For everyday of his living life
He ignores the pain and keeps up the fight
My son your sick we know
Your breaths are no where near our own
Yet I am thankful for each day
Because your heart has shown me
that life and love are within me
You have taught me how to live
To be thankful and to give
That my life is much bigger than me
and that my God loves me
My son your so young
So much more is to come
The world is unknowing of your disease
Just of your joy and love to please
You walk everywhere with a smile
But your mama knows all the while
How sick you are and how much you fight
How every treatment, every night
Takes time and fun away from you
But this is what you have to do
So you can wake another day
To look at the world and say.....
Here I am, You won't win
This sickness may destroy my body
But never the person I am to be
Mama I'm sick you know
My breaths are no where near your own
Yet I am thankful for each day
Because your heart has shown me
that life and love are within me
You have taught me how to live
To be thankful and to give
That my life is much bigger than me
and that my God loves me
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Fly
I aboard this ship on the rocky seas. I sign my name on the line. I have my sack and lunch in hand. I am alone and ready for travel. I never bothered to look at where this vessel was headed. Just knew it was outta here. I needed the break, I had to leave to just have a chance to be. I begged to be left alone, I cried in frustration and honesty. Yet my dear friend you came once again, to push me right where I did not want to be. "Ahoy matey!" This ship is sailing off to the deep and dark sea. The weather is changing and this life is rearranging to be anew once more. Who knows why or how this came to be. I saw the sign and new it was for me. I breathe in the fresh salty air, as the waves break way and splash my face. I am refreshed and alive, not dying inside. I am me, the me I like to be. I take a deep sigh, I smile and say, "today is a day among days" just as a butterfly pulls out of her cocoon to embrace a new life with her beauty. I break free of the chains, the things that take away and distract my purpose of being. I am built a new and reborn to life as a believer and sinner of the same. I break free of these chains the ones that destroy the hope and faith inside of me. I break free of these chains that bind me, a sinner saddened by my old life. I break free of these chains and I hold them up high to shout "What a sinner am I" its true, I cannot lie, but it's these broken chains that say its okay. "Forgiveness" is there in the air and the sun kissing my neck and my check. Forgiveness my love is yours, I did not strike you down, for I wanted to raise you up. But you my dear child are a free willed soul that must choose this life. You can hang on to your old ways your selfish life of lies and deceit. You can love your sin and keep liven in this cocoon till you rot and cease to be. I give you the choice and freedom to choose, but the offer is there to break free. You will be stripped of all your legs and given just one set and you will be given wings to fly. You must trust blindly that you can do everything differently as you once did. Or you will sit in fear on that branch and then in time your wings and body will die. All options lead to death of your flesh, but only one leads to me, the one that tells you to open your new wings and fly!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A Strange Encounter
So the other day I was walking in my neighborhood. I was alone with my thoughts. I happened to see a cute and quaint nature preserve attached to my addition. I thought, how lovely. I went in and looked around as the wind kissed my check. I stood there in the silence and then I heard in the breeze ever so softly "are you lost?" I had only one thought as I broke into tears.. "Yes" I cried "I am deeply and terribly LOST!!" The wind circled back around and whisked past my ear as I heard it once more "Be as I am, for I am"I immediately questioned the wind "Are you God" but nothing came back to me. I had to sit down. I must be imagining this, it must be my mind! But NO I heard it, I did, it was clear enough to acknowledge that much. So then what? What does this mean? Who? and How? As if there wasn't enough in my head, now I have to figure this out! I had to break it down..
Yes I am lost but why? Am I lost in the way of faith? NO. Am I lost in the way of trust? Maybe. Am I lost in love? NO. Am I lost with direction? NO. Am I lost with the plan? YES!!!!! Okay! ding ding ding! The Plan the one and only almighty PLAN. With maybe a little trust issues too. Ok so what is this so called PLAN? Is it my plan? I would like to think so , but NO. Is it my husbands plan? I am sure he too would like to think so, but NO, So is it the peoples plan? Not at all. Ah, So is it the Lords PLAN? YES! There it was, the Lords plan, no one else's. How simple it was to answer this, yet still so hard to trust in it! Why? Are you afraid? VERY. Are you anxious? Greatly! Are you ready, even if it means waiting? What? What do you mean ready AND waiting? How can I be ready if I have to wait? Because when I prune you, You must be patient for new growth. When I change you, You must be ready for change. When I love you, You must love me too. When I nee.....Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold the Phone! (breathe in deep breath, long exhale) Okay so I see I have a Plan that is mine but designed by the Lord. I have to trust that its right even when it feels wrong. I have been getting this, strangely all to well. What I struggle with is that part of the plan where you know where you are going, you can see everything changing, yet you still aren't where you thought you would be!.. Sooo, you want to tell me, YOU are ready AND waiting? Yes, that is it! And now you want to know what to do with that? YES, you got it, that's what I am lost in!!! I am stuck in that spot in between. I can't go back now its been decided and its within reach. Yet I can't go forward because its not time, the things that must be in place, are not. But why am I in a different spot in my Plan, than my plan itself? So Do you trust your plan? YES. Do you trust in the Lord? YES. So why can't you trust that you are in the right spot in your plan? (cough cough, crab collar, clear the throat) Ummm, yeah I never thought of it like that. Would you say you might have tried filling in the blanks of the plan with your own thoughts? (shaking head sighing) Yes, I would say that, but in my defense... Ah, Ah, Ah, Do you make your PLAN?(even bigger sigh) NO I don't. Okay so is this another patients lesson? NO, its a trust lesson. Ha, Wha, trust, I trust.... umm I mean, I kinda trust, sometimes.. Okay truly, I do feel that I trust in the Lord and the PLAN. Its just hard to understand!... And that is it, Understanding, trusting is not having to understand! "Be as I am for I am" I get it, be as I am, like the wind careless going where its directed without a concern.. For I am, For the Lord.
Yes I am lost but why? Am I lost in the way of faith? NO. Am I lost in the way of trust? Maybe. Am I lost in love? NO. Am I lost with direction? NO. Am I lost with the plan? YES!!!!! Okay! ding ding ding! The Plan the one and only almighty PLAN. With maybe a little trust issues too. Ok so what is this so called PLAN? Is it my plan? I would like to think so , but NO. Is it my husbands plan? I am sure he too would like to think so, but NO, So is it the peoples plan? Not at all. Ah, So is it the Lords PLAN? YES! There it was, the Lords plan, no one else's. How simple it was to answer this, yet still so hard to trust in it! Why? Are you afraid? VERY. Are you anxious? Greatly! Are you ready, even if it means waiting? What? What do you mean ready AND waiting? How can I be ready if I have to wait? Because when I prune you, You must be patient for new growth. When I change you, You must be ready for change. When I love you, You must love me too. When I nee.....Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold the Phone! (breathe in deep breath, long exhale) Okay so I see I have a Plan that is mine but designed by the Lord. I have to trust that its right even when it feels wrong. I have been getting this, strangely all to well. What I struggle with is that part of the plan where you know where you are going, you can see everything changing, yet you still aren't where you thought you would be!.. Sooo, you want to tell me, YOU are ready AND waiting? Yes, that is it! And now you want to know what to do with that? YES, you got it, that's what I am lost in!!! I am stuck in that spot in between. I can't go back now its been decided and its within reach. Yet I can't go forward because its not time, the things that must be in place, are not. But why am I in a different spot in my Plan, than my plan itself? So Do you trust your plan? YES. Do you trust in the Lord? YES. So why can't you trust that you are in the right spot in your plan? (cough cough, crab collar, clear the throat) Ummm, yeah I never thought of it like that. Would you say you might have tried filling in the blanks of the plan with your own thoughts? (shaking head sighing) Yes, I would say that, but in my defense... Ah, Ah, Ah, Do you make your PLAN?(even bigger sigh) NO I don't. Okay so is this another patients lesson? NO, its a trust lesson. Ha, Wha, trust, I trust.... umm I mean, I kinda trust, sometimes.. Okay truly, I do feel that I trust in the Lord and the PLAN. Its just hard to understand!... And that is it, Understanding, trusting is not having to understand! "Be as I am for I am" I get it, be as I am, like the wind careless going where its directed without a concern.. For I am, For the Lord.
I must be like the wind for the Lord.... I look up and see I haven't moved for some time.. I stand up and head home from this strange encounter with myself....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Seeing Isn't Always Believing!
It hit me toady as I was thinking about a post I read on Facebook. To often people do not "Believe" those with CF are sick because they often do not look it. If someone breaks a bone, its broke, we see it. Others who may be in the fight with cancer are often put on chemo which makes hair fall out and much worse things, we see it. Some one who has Parkinson's shakes or more like twitches and has failures in mobility, we see it. Even people with add or autism have outwardly displays of their condition, again, we see it! When it come to Cf we can't see it. We see a cough mistaken as allergies or a cold. We may see someone spit stuff out, a stranger may think they are a smoker. The times we truly see CF in its ugliest is when they are really sick or even worse. Yet even at times with my son being so young he even makes sick look do-able.
So as I thought about this I also thought about how much stronger my faith has become in the Lord since I have had Brandon. Some of that has to do with contributing factors in all parts of my life, ie: maturity, becoming a mom, happiness, knowing the fight for my child's life, good church, great marriage ect... Then I realized a common thing in our lives and the Belief of the Lord. Constantly Brandon and his CF is not taken seriously, people don't "get it" they cant 'see it" so it easy to ignore and easy to not "believe". In the beginning I felt angry at others for not understand or in my eyes at the time "caring". I was then, with growth, saddened by the fact that so many people will never really know him or his life, and therefore us and our lives. I really want people to just "Believe" and know he his really sick. That a cold in the house is a much bigger threat. That smoke will cause issues and result in more treatments to get it out of his lungs. With all threats we have to increase preventative care and in our house we spend a minimum of 3 hours of care a day to be able to keep him in our lives longer, as well as try to take away the pains and discomforts that CF cause. Many people may say "Yeah I know he has Cf" or even "yeah I know what Cf is". Just as many may say "Yeah I know who God is" or even "yeah I know what God's about". Knowing isn't always believing.
So then today I realized how God must feel. How so many people do not "Believe" or "Get it" so they ignore him. When it comes to having to just "Believe", things change. Its not so serious when you can pretend its not there. To me the Lord has presented himself in this disease, he has been able to show a little bit of how things have always been for him. It makes it change for me. It brings me closer to his suffering and helps me see the love he has for us even more. Unfortunately there will always be those who don't get it or believe, but when they do its amazing!
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