Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Cry me a river and pour me a song
This hurts been creeping for way to long
This thing that binds me and scars me soul deep
This thing that drives me and makes me weep.
Loneliness is where I find myself once again
It’s like this battle I just can’t win
It’s like a horrible death inside me
Killing off all sanity
Making me feel worthless and empty.
But I know this as a lie!
It is the loudest whisper in my mind
It is the very thing he uses to control me
I must break this inside my heart.
I must rip it all apart.
Expose me and my pain
Let it all rain.
Show the whole world who I am
I must begin.
God break me down
Render me nothing at all
Fill me with the spirit inside
Make it so I can’t fall.
Use me as they abuse me
Let the pain of it no longer destroy
Let it lift me and bring me joy.
For I am yours and yours only
Nothing they can do here can take that away
With you I am never lonely
And you are the light the truth and the way.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I have really lacked on writing in my blog lately. I have been working heavily on my book series. My passion in life right now. So I thought i would at least blog about my book. I love to talk about it all the time because I am really excited about it.

I write as a therapy really more than anything. this is where it started for me. I found it impossible to break through my walls when I was younger that I had to write or explode. I usually wrote dark negative pieces. I found anytime that I I tried to write positive it just didn't exist.

Life consumed me and my writing went in waves. I felt like I had so much inside of me, yet it never came out right. I had several failed attempts at trying to write a book. I was sooo frustrated, especially as life carried on and I still never could force what I had in me out.

When I was 25 I began what I thought was going to be the best book ever. I worked on it all the time. It was a compilation of poems I had written along with journals to describe my place in life in those moments. I was shooting for a positive and Godly book, yet I could not seem to understand my life enough o deliver any kind of message.

I tucked that book away and I set my pen down. I didn't really write for years. Then I had my son. I found myself on a path of intense research. I learned everything there was to learn about nutrition and CF. Then I was forced to put my research into action. It was scary, but it worked. I was astonished that me, a girl who dropped out of collage and never found value in herself was able to learn so much.

I figured why not write about it. I poured myself into my nutrition book and I really believed in it, but No medical backing in a health type book is publishing murder!!! I could have fought for it, I could have beat down doctors doors till someone believed in me, but I felt in my heart I had done what I was to do; write again.

Writing in a different format than I had ever written in taught me discipline and structure, one thing I have never applied into my writing. It taught me that I was also a research nerd. My husband saw a different side of me and he encouraged me to go back to collage. I fought it for years but now have made the choice say, "why not try".

A little less than a year ago I had decided yes, I will go to school, but there was something else burning deep inside me. I wanted to write again, like really write this time. SO I began my life story. I felt so overwhelmed and with 23 pages written I found myself calling my mom. I had her take a look at what I had wrote so far; she hated it. (sorry mom) I saw it in her tears and her hurt. I saw that my life story wasn't so black and white.

I lived in this world of darkness and depression; nothing in my world matched to those I lived around. I had this skewed view of my own life as I saw it. I also could not deny that that was who I was. I thought deeply about this life story of mine and it was clear, I could not do it justice.

Months passed and then one day I sat at my computer and started to write. That is where Broken Within was born. I strangely wrote the book in one month. Obviously it was not the prettiest hing at first but it wasn't bad. I had others read and give me input and i edited over and over and over again. I found myself to a point where I wanted to do more with this book. So I contacted the wonderful Jennifer Thompson and asked her to edit my book.

I enjoyed having an editor sooo much. I will be the first to say I have horrible spelling and grammar. I am sure anyone who has read to this point has noticed these flaws too :) But I worked hard at correcting my mistakes and following Jennifer's advice. I started sharing it with friends again and tweaked it a few more times.

This is when I decided I am going to do it; I will find an agent. So yeah Its not this fairy tale where someone just sweeps you up and published your miraculous works. It is more work than writing and editing combined. But it is a learning experience. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

Because I am a creative writer and feel I need my freedom I have a basic structure to my writing but Lots of wiggle room. It works better that way for me. I have been cruising along with the series and have even completed book 2: Lost Within. I have bounced back an forth between those two books and then played the self editing game many times on Lost Within.

Now I am going full speed ahead on the third book and as I continue to write the series only grows. What I once thought to be a 4 book series is now turning into much more in my head. I am sooo excited about this journey and I know that God will do with it as he sees fit. I feel it and I know what it is and what it will be in the end, and at some point God will find me an agent that believes in me and what this book series has to offer.

To everyone that has supported me thank you soo much, you believing in me helps to keep the positivity going. Your encouraging responses to my writing has also encouraged to continue to believe in this gift and calling. <3