Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My friend Positivity

Lately there has been many up and downs. Things wanting to trip me up and make me want to crawl into the negative dark hole. The spiral of doubt, pain and low self esteem. I have to laugh at how before in my life, when things really weren't so bad, I easily got caught up in this darkness. It was awful, pitiful and rather pathetic. I am facing a mirror tonight. The oh so trying mountain test. You know, if you don't learn the lesson once God will keep bringing you around the same mountain until you do well, test. Well here I am at Mount Patients accompanied by my tour guide Positivity. How on earth am I to pair Patients and Positivity together, and really how is being positive gonna help me conquer this climb. Doesn't anyone know how hard it is to climb this mountain, how many cuts, scrapes and bruises I will obtain? As if this isn't enough as I unpack my ruck I find only "backfire" wood and pots calling my kettles black.

So I do it I grab my guide and hang on tight, he refuses to tell me his name, all he say is "patients". Really now, "I know what Mountain this is, Whats your name friend?" All I get to this question is the same word repeated with a smile. So the conversations aren't really going well, I begin to feel alone. I then decide it is time for a break (yeah I know I am a wimp only an hour in and breaking). I grab Positivity by the hand and once again try to talk. He just smiled and said I wondered when you would stop and talk to me. Haha, this dude is weird, we are on a mission, we have a goal, we can talk AND climb! I gave a smirk and said alright well lets get a move on. We went on our marry way, for hours now, sweaty and tired. This is when I tripped. I am going to say it was a big rock, but for those who know me already know it was air that tripped me up, doesn't take much. As I looked up for Positivity he was there with a smile once again, already tending my bloody wound. I was amazed at how quick Positivity came. I felt a warmth in my heart, how lucky am I to have Positivity with me. This time I will make it to the top of this mountain, I WILL CONQUER MOUNT PATIENTS! This is when I thought of the time I was wasting because I tripped. How silly of me to always be hurting myself, but I am tough. I asked Positivity if he was hungry, his eyes lit up and he said "only if you are". Wow Positivity was tough, maybe more tough than me. I pulled out my pot and kettle and told them to just stop the madness, they are both black. It was kinda funny watching this scene of this pot and kettle. Why were they so blind to see they were really the same in the end. Positivity liked that I ended the madness, must have been giving him a head ache too. I realized I had nothing to cook, I looked all around and sighted nothing. I began to cry and started to feel defeated, this is when Positivity nudged me. I looked over and he was on his knees praying. Although I consider myself very religious I thought ok, this is kinda silly, like God is just gonna plop food in the pot and kettle. Once again Positivity nudged me and I joined him...yep, nothing, no food. Positivity told me " start the fire" FOR WHAT!! Is he mad, and then I saw how he was still smiling as if he knew something I didn't and I thought, I better trust him. I pulled out the backfire wood, and began having thoughts, of, well, you know the wood, backfiring. Positivity just kept smiling so I did the same. I put the wood in a nice tepee and and was gonna try to do the whole rub sticks on leaves fastly to get a spark... Positivity laughed at me and grabbed a piece of the wood and struck it on his lit...Ha, backfire wood! Someone here is a comedian. I laughed and laughed, I laughed till I cried. Positivity cried too. I decided positivity seemed to know more than me and was the wiser in this whole "Mount Patients climb".Positivity grabbed a cooked fish and bit into it, and then I stopped laughing and looked in the pot, there was one more fish. I looked over at the kettle and there was cooked grains in olive oil.. I was shocked and looked at Positivity, he just held his hands in the prayer hands, looked up, smiled and then laughed a huge belly laugh. I have to admit, this meal, was exactly what I needed. Positivity handed me a canteen with water and went to sleep.

I woke up to crusted dew in the eyes and muck in the corners of my mouth. Positivity was full of energy and waiting, patiently, for me to rise. He handed me left over grains and more water. I decided that I wanted to get more out of Positivity, so I asked him what he he knew and what he could teach me. This is when it got weird, All of the sudden I was completely and utterly alone, just me and this Mountain. Yet I did not feel alone. I walked slowly, trying to process where my guide and now friend had went. I was daydreaming happily when I once again tripped on, yet again, air. No one came to my rescue this time, but I had a good laugh at my self and found Positivity, with-IN me. I had to snicker and I lifted my hands up to the sky and just said " I get IT". This is when my journey up this mountain changed from every other time. I had Positivity with-in me, I finally made the choice to let him in and let him take over. Now just for the record There was much more of my mountain to climb. I knew that I would make it and it would be different. It was a trying time to face this challenge with a new guide. I wanted to cry and give up and throw Positivity out many times, but the thing is, I didn't! I stopped and took my time, I prayed and I listened. And YES I made it to the top of MOUNT PATIENTS! I didn't try to go around it or continue to fall down it! This time I made the climb with the right guide!

Positivity is a gift my father gave me. I had to choose to accept it and use it. My father HAS equip me for the travels I will take.

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