So this morning I had a lot on my mind. I really wanted to revert back to my old ways and be angry, possibly even a little back at ya attitude, but I thought before I spoke. Haha, remember when our parents and teachers and possibly even other people said you need to think before you speak. I did it, I have been doing it lately a lot. I think when we get let down or hurt we tend to take things so personal with out a moments consideration of that other person.
As we prepare for this move there is a lot of work and a lot we need help with. Its hard to find good and free help. I miss the days that I never got to be apart of when your neighbors helped to help. I miss when someone said they were family they were family in action. I have to sit and wonder what is a "family"? What is a "friend"? Are you just an acquaintance? I get to caught in peoples "words", I want to believe what people say for what it is. I think we are all so busy that we forget that we committed to a relationship on whatever level. I know in the past I have lost many of people in my life because I took them literal in their promise of relationship. Once they did not meet that qualification I was badly hurt because their promises and actions did not match. I guess I have been rather tough on people. But then I have to ask am I really being tough because I expect those who make a promise to me to keep it? At what point are you just holding someone accountable? I think people these days want the credit without the work. Maybe I am old school, maybe I am naive in thinking people should have to prove in their actions. It hurts less to take someone for their actions more than their words. I remember hearing once that people will tell you who they are if you are willing to listen. I guess it is a horrible thing to ask people who love us to help us leave them. I don't want to claim that it is my favorite thing to ask for. I am able to see who really cares about us at least.
I have been praying alot to take the right road, and be only kind with my words. Many hurts are there if I let them, but that is the thing. I can stop them from hurting by my choice of thoughts. It is not my right or place to judge another's actions. I really do believe that others are to busy and have other things going on, so that is ok. I am not denying the fact that people are unable because their time is dedicated elsewhere. The only question I have is, if time is never dedicated to a person, then how can you claim friendship or even more being of family? I think we all have great intentions, yet we often fall short of a promise we have made. I know I have been guilty of this my self, which is why after thought and debate over and over in my head I realize I must have forgiveness, mercy and if possible even grace. I have to get an even heavier heart when I think of how many times we may fall short in our relationship with the Big Guy Upstairs. How not one time has he said " I am done" Not only that but he even shows us much grace by saying, " I know you forgot to invite me to dinner or thank me for paying the bill, but here is dessert!". This is the moment I am fighting back the lump in the throat and the heavy tear in my eye. So yes we may need to listen to the wiser when told to make a promise and intend to keep it. Even if that means not making that promise at all. I think we take this serious when we promise something easy like, "sure you can borrow my movie" or even "I would love to meet you for coffee and chat" these things are fun and or easy to do, I am sure you can think of many other scenarios. We are great givers of convenience, its the selfless giving that really counts, the kind where there is no self gain.
I find it refreshing when I do meet those people who are kind for no self gain. Who truly and unconditionally love to serve or even just love to love others. I took a step back today to not think of the negative, hurtful things that really aren't that big. I wanted to think of the great and positive things that many people do and possibly even think about that I don't even know. I have to give my church great props at being filled with great and kind hearted people. When it came to churches my life has been filled with disappointments, so to find a great one, I feel truly blessed. One thing that made my heart melt this week was the out-a-the-blue message I received from one of the members, who I know but not to well. She told me she read a book about a little girl with CF, she had a grander understanding of what our family goes through. She was very kind through this message and it brought me to tears. I know not everyone is gonna go and read a book to understand Brandon's battle and what our family goes through because of this disease. I can even be understanding as to why many people don't need to know more. I also want to make it clear that when people do understand only then can they truly get it. Many people with this disease are just wanting people to "get it". We hear to many comments, like "so now that your boy is getting older is he growing outta that thing?" Such an innocent question, but also a very impossible thing. I am always delighted at the fact that others are concerned and care, but they still don't get it. This isn't asthma or allergies, it is not even in the same league. I have to hold my tongue when others around freak out about the small stuff, they want to give me crap like you have it so easy! I have to shed a tear and shutter at the one negative thought of the day because for once they are right, I do have it so easy, but my son does not. I would take it away and endure it for him if I could, but God designed me to be his mom. I can't spend a negative moment in something so big that I can not control. I am positive because there is no other way through this. I think before I speak, because it makes my life simpler. Simplicity is bliss
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